STML is proud to present readr – a lightweight yet high-capacity solution to the problem of information retrieval and storage. From the press release:

All around the world, every day, millions of people use the internet to access information, catch up with the latest news and gossip, and masturbate. But what they’re mostly doing is “reading”. Currently, the information available to “readers” is split into hundreds, if not thousands, of different formats: html files, pdfs, rss feeds, blogs, plogs, podcasts, writely documents, wikis and acres more – producing a morass of information with no unifying source. The technology to access this information is expensive, delicate, prone to breakdown and rapidly obsolete; storage is expensive; and, moreover, there are few ways to distinguish between high quality, useful information and that which is out of date or just plain wrong. Thousands more people waste their lives designing and maintaining such technologies.

But there is a solution.

readr uses the latest in 15th-century technology to bring the most up-to-date information to your fingertips with a revolutionary, startlingly clear, ink-based display; a sequential, numbered organisation system; and a pretty cover. readr addresses all of the concerns with the internet outlined above, while elegantly solving them:

• Format: readr is built on an innovative language that is already understood by over 800 million “readers” the world over: the English language. No more junk code or strings of “!-#php//^$&^$&*^$&*^_45723last phrase not acceptable” – even Martin Amis is readable!
• Price: The low cost of readr production, which is pegged to the price of cellulose rather than silicon on the open market, enables readr units to be shipped for less than £10, or less than £20 in the case of the Pro (or “hard-back”) versions.
• Robustness: readr’s patented analogue kernel is so robust we can guarantee that it will never crash. That’s right: never again will you turn the page to see the words “404 error: Next Chapter Not Found” or, worse, The Blue Page Of Death. (Note: it is still not recommended that you drop readr in the bath.)
• Capacity: Each readr can hold anything from a hundred to a thousand “pages” per volume, and if you also invest in our paradigm-breaking Shelves system, your storage options are potentially infinite. Sequential indexing also means no more Googling: just pick up and go!
• Choice: unlike the internet, where every idiot with a Blogger account can fart their opinions onto your monitor, a tried and tested peer review system ensures quality and checks facts in all readr units. Admittedly, some Wikipedia-style fictions may creep through but at least you can just rely on your own judgement – of the cover.

Check out the readr gallery here.

Note this well: readr has been out of beta for over five hundred years! So, let’s all sing the readr anthem: “Go and read a fucking book”

UPDATE: Following a £250 million buy-out by Amazon.com, readr is now known as “Pagez”.

UPDATE 2: Normal service will resume like Ronnie Corbett (that is, shortly).